Been in a LDR for almost 3 out of the 5 years we have been together. 8hr distance. I’m finishing grad school. He’s graduated and working living in Florida. When you do get to see one another, how do you keep the focus not solely on sex? Do you think it should be expected every time? As the woman in the relationship , I can say if we don’t have sex during the visit, I feel even more of an emotional and physical disconnect. However, I don’t want that to be the main focus and push him away. My love language is definitely more of the physical touch and words of affirmation in contrast to his receiving gifts and acts of service. Any thoughts or suggestions on other ways of intimacy? 🙁
Sincerely, A Lonely Lost Lover
When you do get to see one another, how do you keep the focus not solely on sex?
We get to see each other about 3 to 4 times a year and the way we keep the focus not on sex is that we have a similar goal in mind. We share the goal of waiting until marriage so when those desires appear we remind each other of our goal. Since that method doesn’t apply, we suggest planning out your time together prior to your visit. This will help to not always be at home and in a place where sex becomes a solution to boredom.
We have actually ran into this same issue: For a while, Bryanna had a similar thought, even though we aren’t having sex. We would be kissing and sometimes the thought would cross our mind so we would have to stop and talk to make sure our goal was still the same. Over time, she felt that we were always hitting that point so we started to look for other ways to distract ourselves such as playing games like Uno or Phase Ten or just going to sleep (well she falls asleep and Marcus just watches a show on Netflix). It’s really about both of you knowing your own and each other’s limits.
Do you think it should be expected every time?
No, we don’t think it should be expected but it can be desired. For this to work, it involves having an open communication with each other about the expectations of the visit. If it’s a shorter visit, is the focus to hang out and chill at home or go out on the town and party or maybe a combo of both? Whatever the focus, we suggest having a discussion with each other to see if each of you feels that sex is expected every time. This opens the door for a more in depth conversation which in turn creates intimacy. This conversation needs to be candid in a way that one doesn’t feel they have to do what the other wants but can openly say their opinion. If your opinion differ then make a compromise for that visit and see how it goes and keep the conversation going.
Any thoughts or suggestions on other ways of intimacy?
Intimacy is more than physical. It can be mental, emotional, spiritual; simply sharing a common interest, activity, food, etc. It really goes back to knowing the other person’s likes, dislikes, and love languages as you listed above. The importance that love languages play is that they show us how we can communicate with our significant other most effectively. With your love language being physical touch, he can show this through holding your hand or cuddling or giving you random hugs, which seem small but will help build a more physical connection than just sex. For him, with receiving gifts as his primary love language, a small thinking of you gift like a corny keychain or a homemade card could communicate to him your love and help build a more emotional connection. All of these small things help build intimacy. Intimacy is more about knowing your significant other inside and out as they grow and change with age.
We have a long list of ideas or dates that we want to do when we visit each other, so below are a few things we have on our list:
Accomplishing a dream or bucket list item
Build a fort and have a sleepover with snacks and funny movies
Take a dance class together
Cook a meal together
Couples Massages (professional or at home)
Go for a night walk and hold hands
Go to the park, bring a blanket and look at the sky
Send lovey dovey text messages or mail
Have a nice pillow talk before going to bed to talk about the day y’all spent together and all the favorite parts!
Go workout together
Share music; create cute thinking of you playlist
Go to a Painting with a Twist class
Do each other’s favorite hobby
If you think you’ll be bad at something, just give it a try. The person you love is doing it with you, so what is there to be embarrassed about. It's all about making another memory together. Plus, you may learn something else that you and your partner may have common and from that you can build on so much more in your relationship.
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